B O N Y
MODERATOR & FGT OWNER
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?"
~~~~~
One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the heck are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin'. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a kissing and a-cuddlin' some more and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay herself on the hay and said, 'Okay Billy-Bob, let's go to town!'... I guess I'm the first one here."
~~~~~~~~~~
Best bar pickup line in Kentucky:
"Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Red Neck Stew"
The US Department of the Interior had to change the wording on the metal bands they used to tag migratory birds. Seems these bands used to have the address of the Washington Biological Survey abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv." One day they received a letter from a hunter in Alabama:
Dear Sirs:
Last week I shot one of your birds. It might have been a crow. I followed the cooking directions on the leg tag. Let me tell you, It was AWFUL!
The bands are now marked "Fish and Wildlife Service."
~~~~~~~~~~
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in Kentucky. Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion. They all agree it was simple deduction, "If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."
~~~~~~~~~~
You might be a Redneck if
* The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
* You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
* You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
* Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this!"
* You've got more than one brother named, "Darryl."
* Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
* You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
* You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
* You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
* Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
* You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
* Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
~~~~~
A new law recently passed in North Carolina: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
~~~~~
Deep in the backwoods the hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck Computer Terms!
*
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
*
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
*
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick.
*
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
*
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps.
*
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
*
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker.
*
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
*
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers.
*
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer.
*
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS.
*
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
*
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
*
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
*
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
*
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
*
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers.
*
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
*
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
*
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
*
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
*
ROM - Where the pope lives.
*
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
*
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
*
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
*
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear.
~~~~~~~~~~
25 Ways To Annoy A Yankee
1.
Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
2.
Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
3.
When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left."
4.
Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
5.
When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"
6.
Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
7.
Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.
8.
Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
9.
Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
10.
Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .)
11.
Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."
12.
Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".
13.
Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "pee-can."
14.
Put Tabasco on everything.
15.
For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!", say , "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"
16.
When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies - banana ones.
17.
Name all of your children "Bubba".
18.
Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.
19.
"Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something.
20.
Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.
21.
Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.
22.
Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations.
23.
Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there."
24.
Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
25.
Call 'em a Yankee. Works every time.
~~~~~~~~~~
Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body.
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over." So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba."
The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange.
Then, he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said' "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Nuh-uh, 'at ain't Bubba.
The mortician said, "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two ass holes, ya know."
"What? He had two ass holes? Impossible!" said the mortician.
"Yep. Everyone in town knowed he had two ass holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ass holes.' "
~~~~~
The bartender was washing his glasses and an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.
The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.
The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!"
~~~~~
Redneck Riddles
Why did God create armadillos?
So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.
~~~~~
One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the heck are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin'. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a kissing and a-cuddlin' some more and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay herself on the hay and said, 'Okay Billy-Bob, let's go to town!'... I guess I'm the first one here."
~~~~~~~~~~
Best bar pickup line in Kentucky:
"Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Red Neck Stew"
The US Department of the Interior had to change the wording on the metal bands they used to tag migratory birds. Seems these bands used to have the address of the Washington Biological Survey abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv." One day they received a letter from a hunter in Alabama:
Dear Sirs:
Last week I shot one of your birds. It might have been a crow. I followed the cooking directions on the leg tag. Let me tell you, It was AWFUL!
The bands are now marked "Fish and Wildlife Service."
~~~~~~~~~~
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in Kentucky. Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion. They all agree it was simple deduction, "If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush."
~~~~~~~~~~
You might be a Redneck if
* The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
* You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
* You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
* Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this!"
* You've got more than one brother named, "Darryl."
* Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
* You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
* You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
* You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
* Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
* You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
* Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
~~~~~
A new law recently passed in North Carolina: When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
~~~~~
Deep in the backwoods the hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's another one coming."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck Computer Terms!
*
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
*
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern.
*
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick.
*
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
*
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps.
*
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
*
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker.
*
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
*
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers.
*
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer.
*
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS.
*
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
*
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
*
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
*
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
*
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
*
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers.
*
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
*
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
*
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
*
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
*
ROM - Where the pope lives.
*
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
*
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
*
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
*
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear.
~~~~~~~~~~
25 Ways To Annoy A Yankee
1.
Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
2.
Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
3.
When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left."
4.
Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
5.
When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"
6.
Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
7.
Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.
8.
Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
9.
Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
10.
Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .)
11.
Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."
12.
Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".
13.
Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "pee-can."
14.
Put Tabasco on everything.
15.
For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!", say , "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"
16.
When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies - banana ones.
17.
Name all of your children "Bubba".
18.
Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.
19.
"Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch" something.
20.
Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.
21.
Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.
22.
Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations.
23.
Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there."
24.
Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
25.
Call 'em a Yankee. Works every time.
~~~~~~~~~~
Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer caused by his cigarette. His body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the body, so they called his two close friends, Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to come and try to I.D. the body.
Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Jim-Bob said, "Yep, he's got burnt up purdy bad. Roll 'im over." So, the mortician rolled him over, and Jim-Bob looked at his butt and said, "Nope, dat ain't Bubba."
The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was a little bit strange.
Then, he brought in Billy-Joe to I.D. the body. Billy-Joe looked at him and said' "Yep, he's burnt up sumpin' real bad. Roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over, and Billy-Joe looked down at his butt and said, "Nuh-uh, 'at ain't Bubba.
The mortician said, "How can you tell?"
Billy-Joe said, "Well, Bubba had two ass holes, ya know."
"What? He had two ass holes? Impossible!" said the mortician.
"Yep. Everyone in town knowed he had two ass holes, cause every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two ass holes.' "
~~~~~
The bartender was washing his glasses and an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.
The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, also.
The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!"
~~~~~
Redneck Riddles
Why did God create armadillos?
So that Texas rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.
