For nearly 40 years my father has struggled with sleep apnea. Now I, at age 51 and much fatter than I should be, am afflicted with this same curse. My former snoring has progressed to breathing cessation resulting in my waking over 100 times every night. So while I try and lose weight, I thought a CPAP machine (continuous positive air pressure) would help me sleep better and make my life a bit more endurable in the meantime. Then, I found out that you can't buy one without a doctor's diagnosis. Uh, OK. This requirement led to my following odyssey at the Mayo Clinic here in Scottsdale. Did it work out great? Not exactly, as the rent a car commercial would say. This was my third experience with Mayo and all three have provided me with the medically predictable precision of a bunch of spider monkeys trying to f**k a football.
All I wanted to do was try a CPAP machine to see if it would help me sleep through the night. The machine costs about $1000. Great, where do I buy one? You can't without a prescription. AND, to get a prescription you have to have a "sleep study" done. OK, how much does the study cost? $4000!?! I have to spend $4000 to get the OK to try a $1000 machine? Yes! Well.....Ok, if that's what I have to do. Where do I have that done? I am informed that the closest place is the Mayo Hospital near my home. I called them up and they tell me that they can't see me for nearly 2 months because “they’re really busy”.
So I endure for two months and then…down I go to the Mayo Hospital and they ask me about my symptoms. I tell them that my fiancée, Veronica, has observed my sleep and confirmed that, 1. I have sleep apnea. 2. On my back, I quit breathing about every minute and 3. On my side about every 15 minutes. After filling out a bunch of paperwork I am directed to my sleeping room where they proceed to stick about 100 wires to every part of my body. My head had so many wires coming out of it that it looked like a Jellyfish. Then, once my entire body resembled the back of Mick Jagger’s component stereo system, the tech put two tubes up my nose, a strap around my waist, and another strap around my chest. All I needed to complete the scene was for Boris Karloff to come in and jam a bolt through my neck! Then he says, "OK, now lie down and go to sleep." ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! I lay down and proceed to stare at the ceiling for 3 hours. At about 1:45AM, I fall asleep…for 15 minutes. At 2AM I wake up with a splitting headache from all of the wires pulling in different directions on my face. The tubes sticking up my nose itch in the most indescribable way. I tell the tech that I'm having a little trouble "sleeping", and perhaps a Nytol or something like that would be good. NO! OK…So I proceed to stare at the ceiling for 2 more hours while I fantasize about pizza and cold beer. The last time I was this hungry and miserable at the same time I was lost in the woods. I finally fall asleep. I am awakened at 6AM in a state of delirium.
Now I'm here to tell you that after a miserable sleepless night, nothing starts the new day off quite like having an obese minimum wage hospital tech come in and proceed to tear 100 two inch square adhesive patches off of your body ripping out the hair by the roots as he goes. Do you have any coffee? NO. The doctor won't be in for 2 hours so you can just sit in your room and wait and he'll interpret your study for you. OK. At 9AM the doctor comes in and tells me that using their sophisticated computerized monitoring equipment they have determined that, 1. I have sleep apnea. 2. On my back, I quit breathing about every minute. 3. On my side I quit breathing about every 15 minutes. Here we have one of the miracles of modern medicine. For only $4000 and in only 13 hours they were able to accurately regurgitate to me exactly what I had told them the night before. Not wanting to hurt his professional feelings I decided not to tell the doctor that when Veronica did her study, she came up with the exact same results BUT, 1. It was free. 2. I was able to sleep better without all the wires. 3. She made coffee in the morning. And…4. I got laid.
In any event, I survived the "sleep study" and got my “official” diagnosis. So I asked where can I get my CPAP machine? The doctor told me that because I had slept so little during the night they did not want to wake me up to fit and adjust the pressure on a machine so I will need to return for a second "sleep study" so they can adjust the pressure. I, of course, will have to pay another $4000 for the second study and they can't see me again for at least another month because “they're really busy”.
Mustering all of the self control I am famous for, I heroically resist the urge to lunge across the bed and chicken choke the life out of this mortal enemy. I cannot talk because anything I say will come out with language and volume that is certain to result in the Scottsdale Police Department dispatching a SWAT team to the hospital. I leave the premises. After 5 hours I return to the hospital because I have regained a measure of self control and the veins that had been bulging out of my neck and forehead are now only slightly visible. I ask to speak to the director of the hospital. After calmly relaying this story I assure him that I will not be returning to Mayo for another "sleep study" or to thin their herd of physicians. He thanked me for my patience and told me that a CPAP machine that can adjust its own pressure would be delivered to my home on Tuesday. I asked why that was not done in the first place and he told me "because most people use insurance that will pay for two studies". OK. The situation finally resolved, I ride the elevator down and as I walk out of the lobby I can't help but notice a big sign in the west side of the lobby in the Mayo Hospital. Next to a large photo of the founder is a quote that reads, "The best interest of the patient is our only consideration". :bored
Chip
All I wanted to do was try a CPAP machine to see if it would help me sleep through the night. The machine costs about $1000. Great, where do I buy one? You can't without a prescription. AND, to get a prescription you have to have a "sleep study" done. OK, how much does the study cost? $4000!?! I have to spend $4000 to get the OK to try a $1000 machine? Yes! Well.....Ok, if that's what I have to do. Where do I have that done? I am informed that the closest place is the Mayo Hospital near my home. I called them up and they tell me that they can't see me for nearly 2 months because “they’re really busy”.
So I endure for two months and then…down I go to the Mayo Hospital and they ask me about my symptoms. I tell them that my fiancée, Veronica, has observed my sleep and confirmed that, 1. I have sleep apnea. 2. On my back, I quit breathing about every minute and 3. On my side about every 15 minutes. After filling out a bunch of paperwork I am directed to my sleeping room where they proceed to stick about 100 wires to every part of my body. My head had so many wires coming out of it that it looked like a Jellyfish. Then, once my entire body resembled the back of Mick Jagger’s component stereo system, the tech put two tubes up my nose, a strap around my waist, and another strap around my chest. All I needed to complete the scene was for Boris Karloff to come in and jam a bolt through my neck! Then he says, "OK, now lie down and go to sleep." ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! I lay down and proceed to stare at the ceiling for 3 hours. At about 1:45AM, I fall asleep…for 15 minutes. At 2AM I wake up with a splitting headache from all of the wires pulling in different directions on my face. The tubes sticking up my nose itch in the most indescribable way. I tell the tech that I'm having a little trouble "sleeping", and perhaps a Nytol or something like that would be good. NO! OK…So I proceed to stare at the ceiling for 2 more hours while I fantasize about pizza and cold beer. The last time I was this hungry and miserable at the same time I was lost in the woods. I finally fall asleep. I am awakened at 6AM in a state of delirium.
Now I'm here to tell you that after a miserable sleepless night, nothing starts the new day off quite like having an obese minimum wage hospital tech come in and proceed to tear 100 two inch square adhesive patches off of your body ripping out the hair by the roots as he goes. Do you have any coffee? NO. The doctor won't be in for 2 hours so you can just sit in your room and wait and he'll interpret your study for you. OK. At 9AM the doctor comes in and tells me that using their sophisticated computerized monitoring equipment they have determined that, 1. I have sleep apnea. 2. On my back, I quit breathing about every minute. 3. On my side I quit breathing about every 15 minutes. Here we have one of the miracles of modern medicine. For only $4000 and in only 13 hours they were able to accurately regurgitate to me exactly what I had told them the night before. Not wanting to hurt his professional feelings I decided not to tell the doctor that when Veronica did her study, she came up with the exact same results BUT, 1. It was free. 2. I was able to sleep better without all the wires. 3. She made coffee in the morning. And…4. I got laid.
In any event, I survived the "sleep study" and got my “official” diagnosis. So I asked where can I get my CPAP machine? The doctor told me that because I had slept so little during the night they did not want to wake me up to fit and adjust the pressure on a machine so I will need to return for a second "sleep study" so they can adjust the pressure. I, of course, will have to pay another $4000 for the second study and they can't see me again for at least another month because “they're really busy”.
Mustering all of the self control I am famous for, I heroically resist the urge to lunge across the bed and chicken choke the life out of this mortal enemy. I cannot talk because anything I say will come out with language and volume that is certain to result in the Scottsdale Police Department dispatching a SWAT team to the hospital. I leave the premises. After 5 hours I return to the hospital because I have regained a measure of self control and the veins that had been bulging out of my neck and forehead are now only slightly visible. I ask to speak to the director of the hospital. After calmly relaying this story I assure him that I will not be returning to Mayo for another "sleep study" or to thin their herd of physicians. He thanked me for my patience and told me that a CPAP machine that can adjust its own pressure would be delivered to my home on Tuesday. I asked why that was not done in the first place and he told me "because most people use insurance that will pay for two studies". OK. The situation finally resolved, I ride the elevator down and as I walk out of the lobby I can't help but notice a big sign in the west side of the lobby in the Mayo Hospital. Next to a large photo of the founder is a quote that reads, "The best interest of the patient is our only consideration". :bored
Chip
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Seriously,